It won't be a girl.....

     For 9 long months I listened as most people do about what the gender might be of the baby I was so anticipating giving birth to.  It was the "olden days" not everyone made the choice to find out about the baby, not everyone even got an ultrasound, old school - deliver the baby and be surprised.  Robert and I were married in May of 1982 and I was pregnant by the end of the year - I was over the moon happy.  During Thanksgiving of 1982 I was far enough along to announce to everyone that a baby was indeed on the way and we couldn't be happier.  The Bustamante family reaction, first off, was of course it will be a boy "we don't have girls" - period, end of discussion.   Well, don't give me a challenge, because I am down with going against the grain, bucking the system, making you eat your words.  I would be having a girl.
     The entire time I was pregnant I knew it would be a girl.  I had no boys names picked, we didn't even discuss it.  I had dreams about delivering a girl and telling everyone that the delivery wasn't bad, it was the lace on the dress that the baby was wearing that bothered me.  If that wasn't a sign, what was?  I thought about girl names, I day dreamed about a daughter - I knew it was a girl.  I often wondered after she arrived what I would have thought had it been a boy.  It didn't bother me much, and a couple years later when I was pregnant with Phillip - I knew he was a boy, no doubt in my mind, no girls names picked out - I know my body - I knew my children, before they came to me.  
     So, on this very day June 6, 1983, 31 years ago today ~ I gave birth to Christine Ashley at 6:22 a.m. weighing in at 7 lbs. 10 oz.  and my world changed forever, and I can remember it as if it were yesterday.   I remember that I wanted to get up off the delivery table and tell the Bustamante family that they did indeed have girls, and they were lucky enough to have a beautiful granddaughter in Christine.
     It was an easy delivery, especially after the dreams I had about the "lace being hard".  After a bumpy ride along the streets of Huntington Beach, Christine arrived about 25 minutes after arriving at Hoag Hospital - in the elevator up to delivery the nurse said - "we have a baby - the Dr. has it easy this morning".  So with Mimi standing outside the delivery room and everyone hustling around to get ready for the delivery, I had Christine in the elevator and was waiting for them all to catch up.  I have no horror stories about hours and hours in labor - I know that I went to the hospital, my water hadn't broken and a nice nurse reached in and broke the water - leading to one of the most wonderful feelings in the world - and 10 minutes later ~ I had a baby.  The most wonderful day in my life ~ I was a mom.
     After delivery they took me to recovery and I kept hearing phone calls coming in that I knew were for me but they wouldn't let me have them.  My daddy called - he had been in Huntington Beach that Monday morning when I went in to labor but he was working in Bakersfield and so he left for work.  He called to see how I was while I was in recovery, and after working a full day - he returned that evening to see me and his new granddaughter - I will never forget the look in his eyes.  If you could take a snapshot of pure love ~ it would have been the look I saw in my daddys eyes that night.  He looked at his daughter and granddaughter as if taking a picture that would be etched in his eyes forever and ever.
     Some things are meant to be remembered forever.  The birth of Christine is one of those days.  You changed my life forever Christine - I love being your mom.

If I talk loud enough, will he hear me :)

     I found myself driving to work yesterday and almost daily while I am driving up toward the Mission with the sun shining brightly, and early morning looking like an amazing day on the rise - I think of Mark.  I have begun to believe that God put him in charge of the weather :)  Be it a beautiful sunrise, or sunset, or unbelievable beautiful weather on our central coast - and any day that is a spectacular golf day, I want to believe that Mark has something to do with it.  Anyway, what I believe and whatever it is that is true doesn't matter - what happens on a regular basis when the morning is beautiful and I find myself thinking of him, I talk out loud - really loud, to my brother.  I yell while driving at the top of my lungs in the hopes that he can hear me, that he is looking down and laughing at me while I drive and talk to him.
     I have learned to control this behavior because if I get too involved, I get angry. He is gone, I always wonder why, I try to justify to myself that it was for a reason (not) and that I am doing just fine. If I get too loud and crazy, people in the other cars notice, and on many occasions they know me and just give me that "crazy" smile.
     He hears me, I know it - and although I am better than I have been, I am not always fine.  I may act it, but I will never be "fine" with this - I miss you Mark brother - can you hear me now?

Remind me to look at the back of my hair....

Can women not see the back of their hair - when the grey grows out?  I am sorry but I should tell you all right now, if this is ever me - please tell me!  I sat behind a woman at the movies the other day and I was just amazed that her daughter (I imagined) was sitting there enjoying the day with her mom (I imagined) and the poor woman just had awful hair.  It makes me wonder, it is easier to just ignore some situations when we get older than get in to a conversation about something that really doesn't mean anything - except to those of us that wish not to be in that situation some day.  Note to self, continue good personal hygiene.

Carlsbad 5000 & Christine

No April Fools - just 10,000 of them :)

I ventured south this weekend to Carlsbad for a weekend visit with Christine and to run in a 5K run deemed one of the fastest runs in California.  I loved the way they ran the events, it was easy to watch near the end, they had amazing runners, and lots of them - I am always happy to run early in the morning, it's the time that I practice so it seems more like a routine than something special and I seem to be getting better about getting nervous.  I still pray that I have fun, don't fall down and am not last, as I do each race - you may laugh, but people fall all the time and I sometimes envision the domino effect - THAT would be awful.
I had a personal best of 28.22 which is 10 minutes better than the last 5K I ran at Disneyland a couple years ago.  I am happy with my time, I am still competitive and wish I could run with the Kenyans in 18 minutes, but then I wish I were rich instead of beautiful too :)

Christine and I had a great time, stayed in a hotel right on the beach and listened to the waves, talked until all hours and as usual I found myself falling in love with my daughter all over again.  It's been almost 29 years now that she's been around and I can not believe the love I have for her, we had a great time.

We walked the little town of Carlsbad and shopped, ate and had some wine - laughed and laughed and it really couldn't have been much better.  It's the small things that mean so much - thanks for a great weekend Christine Ashley -  I love you.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

     Where are they all going, those people that are walking along side the road - mostly with shopping carts, and dogs.  They are everywhere lately and have made me feel uncomfortable and I wish I knew their stories.  Some of them talk all the time so I would assume that if I actually stopped to listen, I may learn about the stories of the world.  It is difficult to avoid eye contact, or not run them over, or not feel completely guilty because you didn't give them something - and if you did, would they just buy liquor?
     I feel for them, and I do wonder, but I suppose because life is a struggle for many, but we don't all stand on the street corner to announce it to the world - I have decided upon the gesture I can do that will help them, and put my mind at ease as well.  Putting my mind at ease meant a trip to Costco, a lot of ziploc bags, some water and snack crackers, some gum, a few wipes and hand sanitizer and a little bit of work putting the bags together to put in the back of my car to hand out, and it did my heart good.
     Now when I see someone that has a sign "anything will help" - I get a trusty survival bag from my car and hand it over to them.  A few have actually been shocked I suppose at the preparedness (my campfire girl training), many are thankful and I even get a smile, one was not very nice and I see him often so I think just to piss him off I will continue to give him a bag of useful items that he doesn't want, or so he says.
     I have made my peace with the people that walk along the streets - I don't know any of their names and I have no idea where they are going but there have been times that I have made a connection and we wave - I have made friends and they have stories, and now they just might tell people about the woman that hands out ziploc bags and I am part of that story.
     A simple trip to Costco has never made me so happy.
     Be kind. Always.
     

Nora Jane DePriest has entered the building.....

     We have waited for her arrival and she did not disappoint us - and Elizabeth and Billy have much to be thankful for, as do all of us that love her at first sight, she is a keeper.

     I could have told you, and actually did tell Steve, that if you give Elizabeth any challenge in life, she will rise to the occasion.  Well, I guess that is pretty much what you could say happened as Elizabeth went to her Doctor appointment at 39 weeks and was told that the baby just wasn't ready yet.  These words are not what you want to hear when you have waited for long enough for your little one, and I believe Elizabeth took it upon herself to prove that Doctor wrong.  Approximately 24 hours later, on October 14, 2011 Nora Jane DePriest - 7 lbs. 6 oz. and 19 inches long, entered this world.  Nora Jane is the first grandchild of Chuck and Patti DePriest (Billy's parents) for Debi Kingston (Liz's mom) and my brother Mark, who would have loved the experience of being her grandfather.  The stories of our lives, with my brother in them, have become so much more important to me since his passing and Nora Jane is one of those reasons why.  She will need to be told the stories of "fitty pish" being "born ready" and knowing exactly what "hands over head" are going to mean in her life, but there are so many that are up for that challenge.  Nora is the first great grandchild for my parents, Don and Carol Ann Chambers, and from all indications she is healthy and ready to begin her life, and we are all thrilled to have her as the newest addition to our family.

60th Birthday Bash

     It turned out EXACTLY as I had hoped it would, and Steve was surprised more than just once.  I had been planning this party for a year and at the end of the weekend I lay my head down at night and SMILED.

The Birthday Boy - the big 60!

When I picked up the kids are the airport on Friday and took them to the ranch I could not believe the look on his face when he saw Macee.  He knew something was going on, but wasn't sure.  Step 1 - I had pulled it off and he was smiling.

Dylan, Macee and Christine enjoyed the surprise!

We had friends from as far as Riverside, San Diego and the kids from Colorado.  We had family, parents, Uncles and nieces and nephews - it was the BEST.  Friends old and new, some we hadn't seen in years showed up - we all had one thing in common, we loved this man.  For one entire weekend, Steve was the center of attention and he so deserved that.  Steven is a good and honorable man - a friend to everyone and  as he said numerous times during the weekend shiiiiiiiiiiit it was great to see everyone and spend the time together. I really appreciated everyone keeping the secret and then being there to enjoy the fruits of my labors - I'd do it again in a minute and I smile every time I think of the entire process.  A GREAT time was had by all.....

Mimi, Timber and Papa

The two men in my life.....

Lib and Doug - so glad they joined us.

Makenzie #2 :)

Aly, Kevin, Christine, Sue, Brian & Carter, Rob and Makenzie, Timber, Steve, Macee, Carrie and Dylan - the crew.....

 The P-A-R-T-Y planner of the year!!!

A SURPRISE is a coming......

     Steve will be 60 in a few days - I keep saying that over and over because it really doesn't seem true.  If you know my husband at all, you know that a surprise isn't something that is in his vocabulary, and certainly nothing that would also include numerous friends and family telling stories about him.
     So - that is exactly why I planned a huge surprise camping trip for the weekend to Lake Cachuma group area, with just 50 or 60 of his friends coming.  I am having Macee and family fly in from Colorado, the other kids will come and still to this day, I don't think he has ANY idea.
     He really has no idea what so ever, yet right under his nose I have been shopping and packing and ordering and planning, texting and figuring and oh, we must not forget - spending money.  I have been sneaking away to get liquor, which by the way you can order online from BevMo and they will have it boxed and ready to put in your car - just so you can minimize the time you have stolen away from your "normal" life :)  I have ordered camping gear and sleeping bags and pop up tents and I have them stashed in the back of the Blue truck in the yard, right under his nose.  I have food for days, and liquor for weeks and party supplies that could start a small party shop - I have had a BLAST!  I have gotten RSVP by phone and text and in person (in code) right while he sits beside me.  There have been times that I was so excited that someone was coming that I started to say something and then had to completely make up another story because I almost told the secret.  It has been fun.
     So in a few days we will have been planning to go away on a camping weekend with our friends the Nooneys and then in the mean time I will sneak away to pick up the kids are the airport in Santa Barbara.  I want it to be fun - I want it to be relaxed and I don't want him to be angry.....  We will see :)

Ready, Set, Goooooooooo

     I leave in three days for the Cedar City 1/2 Marathon.  I am excited.  I believe I have prepared an adequate amount, I think the weather should be swell - Steven is going with and we will try out the tow of our new jeep by the motorhome.  We will use some of the KOA gift certificates my brother gave me as one of the final gifts I received from him - I miss him alot lately, but he will run with me and I will leave some of him at Cedar Ridge this visit - he enjoyed when we went there last.

     I think it is a very good way for people going through grief to return to places and enjoy and remember times that they were last visited with people we love, I know it has worked for me.   Mark found Utah to be as special as I did, he was fasinated with the fact that Phillip found a place that fit him and his needs and we talked many times about fly fishing trips and camping - talking about times we had spent doing that together as young children always brought a smile to Marks face.

     Anyway, the run is scheduled and I feel really good about it.  The only thing that has me a bit worried is the altitude, but I think that getting there a bit early and having been in the area and run numerous times before, it won't be an issue.  I am hoping not at least.  I continue to check the weather, I am most definately a fair weather runner, and it looks to be GREAT.  It is Homecoming weekend for SUU and I plan to see some of the people that I have met over the years of visiting, if only in town while shopping.  We will take the dog back to Phillip, and that will be hard - she has been with me since June and I have begun to really love our walks together.  Phill misses her terribly and it will be good to get them back together.

     So, I will continue to run a bit before we leave and carb up some - I am anxious to see how I do and I have given myself three rules.  1.  Do not fall down  2.  Have fun  3.  Try to finish in 2 1/2 hours.
     We will see..... I'll keep you posted.

17 years and I can still hear her voice.

     Stacy Lynn Williams Jones - it is the anniversary of your passing today and I'd like to toast a glass of very fine wine to you my friend, and I remind myself of the ways that I miss you still each and every day.  Some of the times and reasons that I miss you are:

1. When I eat popcorn.
2. I hope that by this time in our lives you would have stopped smoking, but whenever anyone lights up a cigarette - I smile.  (I know I shouldn't, but I do)
3. When Flower Festival time rolls around.
4. When someone announces that they are pregnant.
5. When I taste a really nice wine in a really clean glass.....
6. When I see that Korey and Kristin have grown into such wonderful people and I am so happy that I am allowed to continue to share in their lives.  It seems like so very long ago.....
7. When the wind blows.
8. When I find a gray hair.
9. When I watch redecorating shows or cooking shows on TV.
10. When I see our mothers together - it was suppose to be that way for us.

It has been 17 years - they would have been different years for me I believe.  There is a hole in my heart that has never been filled, I miss you my friend.

  You weren't even around when BFF was coined but, you are mine.

A trip, an apartment and a new baby on the way.....

     Baltimore in August - an exciting thought and I made it happen just before having to return to school near the end of August.  Elizabeth and her Maryland family were having a baby shower, I wanted to attend so I made it happen.  I wanted to check to see how Liz was doing - I can only express my elation upon seeing that she is "large and in charge" :)  Not too large, but the appropriate "large" for a baby that will be here in about 8 weeks.  Such an exciting time.  It was our first official visit in recent times that neither of us had to attend to memorial things, and we were both excited about that.  It turned out to be everything I had looked forward to and more.  A baby shower, some time out to dinner, time to visit at the house, a nice morning run, some humid weather, a trip to see Vic and her new apartment and the surrounding area where she has settled, some tears and some laughter - a good time was had by all.

     Victoria is well.  She looks great, sounds even better and that smile that lights up a room was seen more often during this visit than it had been seen in recent months.  She is living the good life.  Single, employed, busy, and in a downtown Baltimore apartment complex that made her Aunt jealous!  Restaurant and bar downstairs, over looking the Baltimore yacht club, within walking distance of chic and upcoming restaurants and bistros - life is good for Ms. Vic.  We ate dinner at "Nacho Mammas".  Vic was scheduled to work and Liz is pregnant but Billy and I enjoyed a couple of signature margaritas and we all enjoyed dinner.  There was laughter - noticeable laughter, and that was a great thing.  The chips came to the table in a hub cap - my brother would have liked that.

     Liz and Billy were great hosts and I enjoyed my time with them.  It is good to see that they are both so excited about the arrival of this new baby.  I think that Billy got much more excited once the shower was over and he could investigate the new baby things.  We decorated, hung clothes, smelled the little baby stuff and had a really nice visit.  This new baby will be good for them, they are ready.

     This new baby will be good for all of us.....

"Farmers Wife" like in a real farm? Yes.......

     It never ceases to amaze me that to this day when I mention something, anything about farming - people still look at me and say, "farmers wife, farming... like in dirt and tractors and stuff?"

Harvesting lettuce

     I suppose I take for granted that it is what my husband and his family have done for over 65 years in this valley, and as I type this, even I find that impressive and the years staggering.

     There are over 3200 acres of farm land just west of Lompoc City proper, that is know as "The Valley" that have in years past been farmed with beans and flowers of numerous varieties. They are now however farmed by my family mainly with vegetables such as lettuce, broccoli, cauiflower, celery and artichokes.  The following pictures are of a day that I noticed more activity than usual and I had my camera with me.  There is often much more activity and at times much less, but there is always something going on and I can attest to the fact that there is lots to do, schedules to follow and deadlines to meet in order for all of us to eat wonderful fresh, clean and tasty produce.
I suppose I really do take all this for granted, I love the smell of freshly chopped fields, and I love having access to the field fresh vegetables but it's hard work and Steve loves making all this happen. He's a very hard worker.

 Big John Deere tractor

     There is something about the process.  The working of the land, the digging in the dirt, the planting and watering and watching things grow, then the harvest and then starting all over again.  It is basic in a sense and then complicated in reality - the way the rows go, and the water flows, how much yield you can get and then let us not forget - the weather.  Before Steve I never paid much attention to "the weather" but now, I know it is an important piece to the puzzle.

     There was a time before I was married to Steve that has become a topic of conversation in our marriage.  Coming from Lompoc and then leaving Lompoc for awhile it became clear to me at some point that "the Valley" was a huge part of me.  During a time in my life that I was truly unhappy, I use to envision going down to the valley and just putting my hands in the dirt.  This became such a desire at one point, that on a trip to Lompoc with the kids, I actually went down and walked a field, put my hands in the dirt and as sad as it seems, I cried.  I believe that it had to do with the whole "roots of my being" feeling that all of this, that I had known my entire life and was important to me, had been slipping away in my life, and just putting my hands in the dirt and smelling the smells of some things that grounded me, made it all better.  I had no idea at the time, but that field that I walked and threw dirt clods in, belonged to Steve and the Guerra family.

       Shortly after that visit to Lompoc, I returned for good from Southern California - with two very small children, but minus a husband.  I returned to "plant" my family here and watch them grow, it was not at the time where I really wanted to be, or so I thought, but it was safe and easy for the kids and I - little did I know that in the next two years I would realize what a wonderful move it would become.

     I didn't know Steve when all of this was happening.  I find it very ironic to this day that the whole "putting my hands in the dirt" thing actually had anything to do with him.  I thought it had to do with my dad - he had always been in construction and dirt work, not farming, more like building, but I have always been able to close my eyes and remember how he smelled everyday when he came home from work.  He smelled like the earth - like dirt, not bad, just earthy, and I believe that my desire to just get back to basics and the honesty of simple things, the straight and narrow of life, was what I had been lacking and so needed to find again. 

     It worked, I found myself again and then two years later I certainly found it in Steve.

     And that is how I became - the farmers wife......   :)

No, No, No, and No.....

     Nine weeks ago I thought I was so saturated with food and alcohol that I changed my lifestyle and at this point I can say for the better!
     No sugar, no coffee, no bread, no alcohol and lots of walking and exercise.  It has worked, I think I flipped the skinny switch and I feel absolutely wonderful - I am 15 pounds down, I walk 2 miles everyday and I run 3.5 miles every other day.  I have signed up for half marathon September 16 and I do believe I will reach my goal.  I sleep better, I feel better, I think I look better - I have a better outlook and I have been able to work through many things in my head during my daily exercise -
     Life is good....

I wasn't done talking to him yet.

     This past weekend I started to look into buying new golf clubs.  Initially I would have called Mark and gotten the low down, instead I emailed Nate and Mikey to see what their thoughts were.  It wasn't my first choice, but it would have to do.

     Sunday I had this terrific idea, (because it is nearing the time for me to return to work) to bake some pies.  I have a new double oven, I could go crazy, why not?   I have realized lately that my blogs have pretty much been about Mark and "The Journey" but I really do love to cook!  I continued on my research for recipes for big pies, little pies, pies in jars, pies on a stick maybe, all flavors, hopefully some that are better for you than others, but pies none the less.  I found myself wanting to talk to Mark about this as well, but instead I got out his cookbook.  You see, when he passed away all I really wanted was his cookbook and I had glanced thru it a few times, enough to notice that it always falls open to the pages about Thanksgiving turkey, but I really wanted to read it now.   This turned out to be mostly a bad idea.  I came across recipes in his hand writing, pages he had marked that I wondered - did he make this soup, or was he going to make this soup?  There were grocery lists, and measurements and just papers with random words, there were pages from magazines and newspaper clippings from the Sunday morning Oregonian of things he must have liked and saved in the book.  I could imagine him sitting reading the paper on Sunday morning, talking to himself about the state of affairs the world was in, and then savorying the food section, we were very much alike in that respect, and we always saved it until last - "read the doom and gloom" he would say, "and then get down to the meat and potatoes".   He was funny like that.   I wished we had talked more about recipes, we spoke almost every day, but I find myself more often than not, whispering to myself during these days, "I wasn't done talking to you yet".

    The book is my cherished posession from my brother, it tells many tales, we spoke about it often and the things he cooked for the kids are in there, little tid bits of knowledge about cooking and the world can be found between the pages, but it ALWAYS makes me cry.   This too shall pass I continue to tell myself.  Not the memories or the sneaky smiles or words of wisdom that I can hear in my head in that big red cookbook,  but the crying - you see as Mark would say "we are ugly cryers",  my answer to that would be,  I don't care how ugly I am when I cry - at least I can cook!

     So, there were no pies that day and I am still on the quest for new golf clubs - but I made a killer artichoke dip and we all thanked Marky boy for it!

The Princess found a Prince that turned in to a toad.....

but she is still a wonderful, fabulous Princess.

     I've just returned from a five day visit with Christine in San Diego and we had yet another wonderful time, gosh I love that child.  As a mom there are times when you just need to check on your kids, take a look into their eyes and see what is really going on instead of that over the phone conversation.  I can tell right away when I see my kids, what is up, and of course they pretty much know it.   I can tell in their voices when a visit is really necessary.  I took the train down to visit, which in itself is a vacation because the riding down the coast right on the beaches of California is a great treat, relaxing along the way is even better.

     We went to a Padres game, we had drinks with her friends downtown, we laughed and walked and had a great time.  Her friend Patrick even showed me his "brick". (That's for another blog).

     Our main excursion on this visit was to drive over to Phoenix because Christine needed to visit her dentist that she had been seeing while living over there, and I had made an appointment for a check up as well, since I was going along for the ride.   It was the first time Christine had been back to Phoenix since her break from Jeff.  I knew she was anxious about it - she was in love with that man and her heart was broken a bit from the relationship, she had lived the good life.  On the drive over, we had discussed the relationship again, maybe a more length this time because she was over the teary part, had a bit of anger in her, but was still so resolved in her decision - and I can tell she is happy.  It wasn't easy leaving Jeff, who really is a wonderful man and he was very, very good to her in many ways - he was very giving to her and all of us - he knew how to show us a great time.  But..... he was forever going to live in Phoenix and my daughter is a beach girl.  I believe that at some point Christine will have children, maybe only one, but at least that.  Jeff was NEVER going to have any more children, he has a wonderful son, Jordan and that was it. So these two things were breaking points in their relationship and Christine walked away from the multiple million dollar houses, expense accounts and weekly flights between San Diego, Phoenix, Utah, Seattle, Las Vegas and moved into her own place in San Diego, leaving with a friendship she will always remember but leaving with something even greater than friendship for her, self esteem and the knowledge of making choices with your soul sometimes and not your heart.  It was hard for her, but I am so very proud of her for choosing what she believed in instead of taking the easy road and being unhappy.  Jeff is still our friend, he is in contact with all of us and he and Jordan are a part of family to us - he just wasn't the Prince that my daughter so deserves :)

     Another interesting twist to our trip - Phoenix had a "haboob" a random sand storm that we could actually see driving in from California as it slowly crept over the Phoenix valley and surrounding areas.  It was 108 as we drove into the city limits, then it was as if it was the end of the world.  It got dark, windy - things blowing all around, rain and the temperature dropped to 80 within seconds - you could not see the city or surrounding buildings from the highway - it was weird.  Maybe it was this, or the drive, but Christine felt physically sick to her stomach.  She said that the memories and smells and feelings were a bit overwhelming and I was then so happy that I had made the trip with her.  We checked into our hotel, it was still dark and gloomy but hot as hell, we walked across the parking lot to Applebees and had dinner and a drink.  We spent the weekend, talking and exercising, swimming and sitting by the pool and then checking into our dental appointments.  We made some new memories of Phoenix - the haboob came and went, and so did we.  Home to the good life, where million dollar homes are still noticeable on the hill, where work still looks us in the face everyday, but - where happiness lives.

Time flys and stands still all at the same time.

     It's been exactly 6 months since my brothers passing, and I still look at his pictures and utter the word, shit.....
     It isn't as if I didn't know it was coming, I have pretty much marked everyday this year with the same gauge, such as  - one month before he got really sick, during the month he was really sick, right before the end, the end, the week after his death, one month after his death......  You get the picture.

     It's been hard and I suppose because I am now off for the summer and the memorial services have been concluded, the friends and family have gone back home and my house is empty so I just get to be alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes too alone.  It has it's ups and downs, I have been thinking about my health which is a good thing because since the beginning of 2011 it has been a real challenge for me to put one foot in front of the other, much less put on my running shoes and get motivated to do much.  But, 24 days ago I started a no caffeine, no sugar, no flour, no soda, no alcohol, kick and I began back on the treadmill.  Today I can tell you that I am 8 pounds lighter and can run my regular 3 mile run and pretty much still want to run some more, I feel great.

     It doesn't bring Mark back, but in my small little mind I guess I am trying to do some of things that he and I talked about during our last month together - he had wished he could have conquered the hill near his house at least once in the past 5 years.  He had wished he could have lost some weight because he had tried to not because the medicines that ravished his body made him, he had wished he could walk about and see the trees and flowers and blue skies without tiring so quickly, but we all know about wishes.....

     So, tonight in honor of my brother I will break one of my new rules and pour one of our favorite drinks, Crown and Dr. Pepper and toast a man that I miss beyond comprehension because I loved him the same way.  Cheers Mark brother where ever you may be -

Folsom Lake, Sierra Jade and the boat

 

Papa and Sierra take a dip - 4th of July 2011

Sierra is just too cool for words!

Carrie and Miriam take it dip - it was HOT.

Brents 4th of July decorations :)

He's such a stud.

We had a wonderful 4th of July weekend with Brent, Miriam and the baby at the lake and it was a wonderful time.  During our visit we went to a parade, Brent BBQ'd and we spent lots of time spoiling that cute granddaughter - it as happy times.

Malia comes for the summer

 

     Malia is our 3 year old grand dog that belongs to Phillip.  She is a sweet and beautiful chocolate lab and she has come to visit for the summer from Park City.  Phillip says she loves to come to the beach for the summer, so on a recent visit from Phill and Challis - they left Malia to stay.  I love having her here, she helps me get motivated to walk, she gives me someone to visit with during the summer when Steve works so much - she thinks she is human.  Sometimes I believe she is better behaved than some humans and with that, she is welcome to stay as long as she feels comfortable and from the looks of the picture - she has made herself pretty much at home.Good dog.....

They do everything bigger in TEXAS

Self explanatory :)

     We traveled with our friends Sue and Ross Nooney to Texas to visit with our friends Wendi and Warren Wulstein and see their new spread.  We were fixin to have a good time, but with such hospitality we had a fabulous time. (They say things like that there, "spread" and "fixin")  All kidding aside, it was a better time that I had imagined, we saw sights, ate, laughed, ate, rode around, ate, walked the property, ate and drank - you get the picture.  Wendi and Warren showed us around and I was impressed by how nice everyone and everything was. Texas does alot of thing right, and I loved it there.

Lake LBJ

Downtown Austin on 6th Street

Nugget the mini donkey 

     Wendi and Warren actually live in Lampassas, Texas and run their business Premco from there in a nice location down by the river that runs thru the town.  We spent one day at Lake LBJ and it was so nice to have hot weather, be able to dip into the lake for a swim, enjoy the beautiful houses and we played a guessing game as to how much they were to purchase.  Wendi fixed a great boat picnic lunch and we really had a great time.  Besides seeing the sights in Lampassas we did go to down town Austin on the day the basketball finals were on TV and Dallas was playing - made for exciting times in the 6th street bar areas, and then a nice meal at the County Line Restaurant before heading back to "Ranch 820" their place.  We were introduced to Texas wine, of which I am now a fan - and a club member (surprise)!  The Fiesta Winery was right next to Warren and Wendi's place and we went for a dinner and tasting event, they had music and that too was a wonderful time.
     I was impressed, I loved the area and I can't wait to return many times.

It was a Memorial to Remember...

for a man we will never forget.  After months of planning and preparation, arrivals of nephews and nieces, aunts and uncles, children from coast to coast, and so many friends that it was overwhelming - we lay Mark brother to rest in Lompoc this past Friday.
It was a beautiful day, the weather cooperated to the best it could - and there must have been 130+ people here to enjoy the food and drink, friendships and stories and laughter.  Mark would have been proud, he would have been tickled to see people gathered together, talking about old times, planning on having new times together and just plain enjoying one another.

I will miss him always.  I am so happy and proud of the things he has taught me, and also for the lessons he continues to teach me about myself and our families, even now that he is gone.  But, he would have loved the way we celebrated him - friends and family, food and golf - it could not have gone better.

Appropriately during the day many people left to watch nephew Dalton play in the quarter final CIF baseball game held in town on that day as well. It was so great to be able to have the game in town, have relatives that had not seen him play were able to watch what may have been his final high school baseball game.   After an unbelievable try for a fly ball that was missed on young Daltons part that cost the team two runs, one of them being the go ahead run,  there must have been someone watching out for him as he then stepped up to bat in the bottom of the 7th with two outs and drove in the winning go ahead run to win the game 3-2.  Chaos, and all the while I KNOW Mark was watching - it was a grand day!  As Mark would say "and the crowd went wild!"

Now it is on to life as we have grown to know it.  Elizabeth will stay the week and I will watch her belly grown with my new grandniece in it - Nate will continue his stay through graduation day, continuing to make his stay something I will cherish forever.  Vic has returned to Johns Hopkins and the job she adores, and our new found Ashley - Nates girl, will start her new job tomorrow in Oregon where she and Nate will set up house and begin anew.  I really like her and hope that she continues to be good for Nate and they share continued happiness.  Marks friends enjoyed their time together with our family, hit the small white ball around in the wind during their stay - and we drank more wine that maybe we should have.  One thing I know for sure - we will "Just keep playing" at the game of life that Mark loved.  We will do it for Mark, and maybe more importantly, we will do it for ourselves because it is what he would want.

Cheers Mark Brother - I love you!