The Dirty Thirty

  When you work at a school it is this time of year that you begin to taste summer!  But before you can grab ahold of that summer vacation you have to survive the final 30 days of school, or what I call "The Dirty Thirty" - it can be a great deal of fun but a day at work can also induce one of the best nights sleep from sheer exhaustion that one might ever have.  I enjoy seeing the kids get excited to 1) graduate and/or 2) move from freshman to sophomores, sophomores to juniors, and boy the juniors get crazy just thinking about being seniors next year!  It's a great time.

This year has a bit more excitement because besides being crazy busy at work I have been planning my brother Marks, memorial service.  I have a handle on the ceremony and reception after, things are all falling into place, it's the craziness I brought upon myself with painting and carpet and decorating, that is making me crazy.  I have faith that it will be finished, I will be able to collect my thoughts, prepare for guests and enjoy myself.  I won't ask much more of myself, I have done my best - I think its what Mark would want and as much as I wish I wasn't having to do it - I look forward to the final rest.  It's a good thing.

An Easter Morning jog in the rain.

An early morning jog was just the thing to work off some of the Ah-Ru Sushi dinner from last night.  A huge prawn wrapped in shoestring potato and deep fried and a sushi combo wasn't a traditional Easter feast, but I loved it all the same.  We found a new wine from Sonoma and the "Flowers" winery, it was an excellent Pinot Noir.

So a jog this morning felt great even though the early morning rain was light, I looked upon it as an Easter cleanse, a great and glorious feeling.  I process my thoughts while I jog, it seems to make the three miles shorter, or maybe easier because I am not just thinking about putting one foot in front of the other, I am actually planning my day.  It's Easter and my church is the outdoors - while I run I talk to my friends that have passed, pray for my family and friends, and today I spoke to my brother Mark.  I have still not gone past the fantasy of thinking of each and every weather event since his passing is his doing - a rainbow; Mark did it, rain this morning; Mark did it and a glorious evening with stars and clear skies while we had a bon fire one evening last week; Mark for certain did that!

So my day today consists of painting.  Only 1/2 a day because we are bbqing beer can chicken for Easter day later on, but I have to finish up painting because they will finish up the floor tile this week, install new windows, and the carpet will be here in a few weeks.  It has been good for me to spring clean and prepare the house for Mark's memorial at the end of May.  Each time that Mark ever travelled to our home he called well in advance and let me know he was coming so I could - "prepare" for him.  New towels, finish the bar, paint that unsightly non-painted square in "his" room that bugged him each time he lay in bed.  Thanks Mark for the three month preparation for this "visit" - I have lots to do!

I wished my kids Happy Easter over the phone this morning as this may be the very first year that not even one of them is here.  A down fall to raising such independent confident children is that when they really get into their lives as adults, you have to compromise.  They all intend to be here in May, so they opted out for the Easter weekend visits this year.  Spring break for all of them was different weeks anyway making it hard to come for just the few weekend days.  I am anxious to hear about Christines day - she and her roommates and friends are hosting Easter at their house - she got a flair of entertaining from her mother I suppose as they are hunting eggs - having a cook your own on the bbq, and even a prize for the best Easter outfit - that girl loves to play dress up!  I look forward to seeing pictures.  Phill will no doubt try to get in the last few snow runs in Park City and Macee as well in Colorado, Brent will take his girls to see family in Napa, and now that Russ finally got a job it is actually hard for him to do anything else, he loves it so much.

It makes my heart happy to know that the kids are so involved in their own lives.  I have said many time to many people that I loved my kids as babies and small children, but I adore them as adults.  I guess even on this Easter Sunday while it is quiet in our home, I am o.k. with the fact that they are having wonderful days all wrapped up in their own lives, and spending their Easter doing the things that they love. Each of them has grown into an adult that I am happy to know, they are curious, interesting, resourceful and kind people and I love them to death! (Can you tell?)  So, it's not too bad to spend the day quietly painting the walls from plain white to sea foam green, making clean changes from the old to the new with a smile on my face knowing that things are right with the world.

Mark probably did THAT too!

Happy Easter Peeps!

Just when you think you can listen to music again..

it turns out that you can't.
I recently lost my brother to colon cancer, and it can be anytime, anywhere when the waterworks start to flow.  A smell, a thought of something to share, a special event, a place you'd like to visit, news of the day, something or someone that pissed you off :)  or just a plain old song, become things that you wish you could share.

During the first days I could practically hear the minutes turn in to hours and the hours turn in to days, days in to weeks, and now it has been 3 1/2 months since I last saw my older brother, Mark.  I can say his name and smile, my mind reels with memories and feelings and thoughts one after another, and never a day passes that I don't hear a song that brings me to tears.  In the frenzy of learning to let go in a way that I can manage, planning to have a memorial, dealing with family dynamics, and trying to accept something that I just really don't want to accept - I have found comfort in learning to really LISTEN to the songs of Marks life.  Shortly after a recent early morning Saturday run while listening to my iPod, I emailed out the question to family and friends - "What is the song that when you hear it, immediately reminds you of Mark"?

Amazing answers quickly began to arrive and it soon became a game of who could remember what songs, and how many. We could all remember a dance, a golf game, a wedding, a happy event, we all had a common bond with my brother, he had shared his love of music and good times and friends with all of us.   It brought a smile to my face, and a song to my heart  - and more importantly, an idea to my head.  I now have a DVD that we will have available at the memorial service in May.  A memento of a great man and the music he loved, the songs he shared with family and friends and that bring tears to his sisters eyes, tears of joy for a man she adored.

I'll continue to listen to music and remember, and cry, because when you really think about it there are worse things than crying.  You could, not remember.......

I love you Mark brother.

The things you may need the most, are sometimes elusive....

Like sleep.  Up in the morning, regular time - spend a nice day and at 2 o'clock this afternoon I couldn't keep my eyes open so I watched some food show and slept for an hour and a half.  Bad move, it is now 1:15 a.m. the NEXT day and I can't get to sleep.  Not tea or a warm shower, or TV can help, so I thought I'd try my blog.

Seems some other things are elusive as well, since I read my blog and it's been awhile since I have visited.  I suppose I need to get more than one thing in my life in order... and maybe one good thing will lead to another.
Good Night :)