Come to Oregon, let me rock your world.

     He might as well have said this straight out, because when he told me what he told me, the words became a blur anyway.

     We started the morning in Washington State and got up early to make a run to the grocery store prior to returning to Mark's house in Portland and having a meeting with our group that was going to Napa in February.   I should have know something was up when our first stop was Starbucks for a coffee.  Mark never really went to Starbucks, he wasn't all that keen on my drinking coffee, but it was a nice gesture.

     So, as we drove down the freeway in the early morning haze, making idol chit chat, he then rocked my world.  "Carrie Ellen, I have stage 4 colon cancer - I will have surgery, I will probably do chemo, it's going to be a challenge and a journey but everything is going to be alright", he said this all in one breath.  I will NEVER, EVER forget the way he spoke.  The words he said, the inflection in his voice - the smell of my coffee, and the tears that welled  in my eyes.  The lump in my throat was enormous, the tears in my eyes fell like HUGE drops that I could almost hear, and my mind was whirling.  I asked some questions - how did he feel, when did he know, what else could he tell me?  Honestly, much of the rest of the conversation was a blur but I do remember that he touched my hand, he spoke softly and confident which made the news that I knew in my heart was horrid, a bit soft around the edges.  He asked if I was OK, told me again that it was going to be OK and that we would talk some more later after it sunk in a bit.  The knife that went in wasn't turning, wasn't coming out sharply - it as just there.

     As quickly as this all happened we then exited the freeway and went to the market.  As we parked the car he told me that I was in charge of appetizers  for the evening meal.  In my mind I wondered what I could buy, what I could make - I had no idea how to put two and two together at this point, my mind was absolutely mush.  Mark went from item to item, knowing exactly what he wanted gathering the food for the evening meal.  I silently fell apart inside, yet trying to go through the motions as he did, after all he was my older brother and had always taught me by example.  This however, was a lesson I could have never wished to have learned.  I hated it, the day was quickly turning to shit.

      I never want to forget that day.  I learned later that he had only told Judy and not yet the kids or mom and dad.  I was a safe haven he told me - thanks but no thanks Mark Brother, safe was not a feeling I am having just now.  He asked me to help with the explanations with mom and dad, Craig and Dana and any others that would have questions.  He said that practicing telling me was a way to help in getting around to telling the kids - god how I would NOT want to have that conversation.  He was so strong about it all.  I know that in his heart of heart at some time he must have fallen apart, but you would never know it to talk to him.  He was positive, he was exact - we talked about it and then we didn't again that day, we just went about our day, getting ready for a dinner party and organization of our trip to Napa in February.

     That night we ate an amazing dinner, drank great wine and entertained his friends with discussion and focus on our Napa trip.  Never did we talk about cancer again that night - but I caught myself staring at my brother in a completely different way.  He is still my amazing brother - but he has cancer.  I will believe what he told me and I could only believe that everything would be alright.

     I went to bed and cried my eyes out.  I sobbed quietly in the room that Liz and Vic had always slept in - I wanted to wish it away.  I wanted him never to have to tell the kids, I could only imagine how they would feel since I knew how it had rocked my world.  I called Steve and cried into the phone, I felt awful that he was so far away and had to listen to me blubber, but he did.  I think I fell asleep with the phone to my ear, and my heart broken.

     I stayed for three more days.  We walked, we talked and he explained to me exactly what was going to happen and when.  We went to dinner, we spent time together, we hung out in downtown Portland and at some point during those days, he called our parents and the kids.  As I sat in the living room listening to the conversations my heart broke into a million pieces, both for him and for each of the people he spoke to on the other end of the phone.  As I listened and looked, I was so very proud of him - he was entering the unknown and he didn't act the least bit afraid, which I thought I would had I been in his shoes.  He was my big brother and he continued to act like it, he took care of me when it really should have been the other way around.

     He took me to the airport as he had so many times before. I love this guy, he has been the only constant person I have ever had in my life and I told him so that day.  I can remember him saying "Missy, you are pretty special to me too".

     OK Marky boy, talk to you soon......