It won't be a girl.....

     For 9 long months I listened as most people do about what the gender might be of the baby I was so anticipating giving birth to.  It was the "olden days" not everyone made the choice to find out about the baby, not everyone even got an ultrasound, old school - deliver the baby and be surprised.  Robert and I were married in May of 1982 and I was pregnant by the end of the year - I was over the moon happy.  During Thanksgiving of 1982 I was far enough along to announce to everyone that a baby was indeed on the way and we couldn't be happier.  The Bustamante family reaction, first off, was of course it will be a boy "we don't have girls" - period, end of discussion.   Well, don't give me a challenge, because I am down with going against the grain, bucking the system, making you eat your words.  I would be having a girl.
     The entire time I was pregnant I knew it would be a girl.  I had no boys names picked, we didn't even discuss it.  I had dreams about delivering a girl and telling everyone that the delivery wasn't bad, it was the lace on the dress that the baby was wearing that bothered me.  If that wasn't a sign, what was?  I thought about girl names, I day dreamed about a daughter - I knew it was a girl.  I often wondered after she arrived what I would have thought had it been a boy.  It didn't bother me much, and a couple years later when I was pregnant with Phillip - I knew he was a boy, no doubt in my mind, no girls names picked out - I know my body - I knew my children, before they came to me.  
     So, on this very day June 6, 1983, 31 years ago today ~ I gave birth to Christine Ashley at 6:22 a.m. weighing in at 7 lbs. 10 oz.  and my world changed forever, and I can remember it as if it were yesterday.   I remember that I wanted to get up off the delivery table and tell the Bustamante family that they did indeed have girls, and they were lucky enough to have a beautiful granddaughter in Christine.
     It was an easy delivery, especially after the dreams I had about the "lace being hard".  After a bumpy ride along the streets of Huntington Beach, Christine arrived about 25 minutes after arriving at Hoag Hospital - in the elevator up to delivery the nurse said - "we have a baby - the Dr. has it easy this morning".  So with Mimi standing outside the delivery room and everyone hustling around to get ready for the delivery, I had Christine in the elevator and was waiting for them all to catch up.  I have no horror stories about hours and hours in labor - I know that I went to the hospital, my water hadn't broken and a nice nurse reached in and broke the water - leading to one of the most wonderful feelings in the world - and 10 minutes later ~ I had a baby.  The most wonderful day in my life ~ I was a mom.
     After delivery they took me to recovery and I kept hearing phone calls coming in that I knew were for me but they wouldn't let me have them.  My daddy called - he had been in Huntington Beach that Monday morning when I went in to labor but he was working in Bakersfield and so he left for work.  He called to see how I was while I was in recovery, and after working a full day - he returned that evening to see me and his new granddaughter - I will never forget the look in his eyes.  If you could take a snapshot of pure love ~ it would have been the look I saw in my daddys eyes that night.  He looked at his daughter and granddaughter as if taking a picture that would be etched in his eyes forever and ever.
     Some things are meant to be remembered forever.  The birth of Christine is one of those days.  You changed my life forever Christine - I love being your mom.

If I talk loud enough, will he hear me :)

     I found myself driving to work yesterday and almost daily while I am driving up toward the Mission with the sun shining brightly, and early morning looking like an amazing day on the rise - I think of Mark.  I have begun to believe that God put him in charge of the weather :)  Be it a beautiful sunrise, or sunset, or unbelievable beautiful weather on our central coast - and any day that is a spectacular golf day, I want to believe that Mark has something to do with it.  Anyway, what I believe and whatever it is that is true doesn't matter - what happens on a regular basis when the morning is beautiful and I find myself thinking of him, I talk out loud - really loud, to my brother.  I yell while driving at the top of my lungs in the hopes that he can hear me, that he is looking down and laughing at me while I drive and talk to him.
     I have learned to control this behavior because if I get too involved, I get angry. He is gone, I always wonder why, I try to justify to myself that it was for a reason (not) and that I am doing just fine. If I get too loud and crazy, people in the other cars notice, and on many occasions they know me and just give me that "crazy" smile.
     He hears me, I know it - and although I am better than I have been, I am not always fine.  I may act it, but I will never be "fine" with this - I miss you Mark brother - can you hear me now?

Remind me to look at the back of my hair....

Can women not see the back of their hair - when the grey grows out?  I am sorry but I should tell you all right now, if this is ever me - please tell me!  I sat behind a woman at the movies the other day and I was just amazed that her daughter (I imagined) was sitting there enjoying the day with her mom (I imagined) and the poor woman just had awful hair.  It makes me wonder, it is easier to just ignore some situations when we get older than get in to a conversation about something that really doesn't mean anything - except to those of us that wish not to be in that situation some day.  Note to self, continue good personal hygiene.